moody_marissa

So...I didn't quite have the same first day of the quarter as everyone else did....I didn't actually have to go to a school...I did however get to deal with the FUCKING MORON of a co manager at work...does that count as the same kind of thing?

So other than that, let's see....Yesterday I went to Cathy's to pick up my 'foot thing' and coffee cups...He forgot my printer and graphing calculator so I txted him and told him I wanted them back, then he made me come over to get them because he didn't want to make another trip...so I got them...he wasn't acting mad or surly or anything which was wierd...I however was...there was a door slamming and almost no talking...

THEN Crystal (from work) gave her friend my number (!!!!) and we started texting, lol...I doubt anything will come of it, but it's good that I have a distraction right now...

So, Andrew says that he's seeing someone else...

"Do you want you're foot think? or should I just throw it out?"
"You can put it with my coffee cups"
"You can leave it at your moms or I can pick it up at your apartment"
"I'll leave it at my moms on Tuesday"
"you can drop it by Tullys if you want"
"Rather no, can't imagine they like me"
"Does it matter? Or do you just not want to see me?"
"IDK it's like throwing me to the wolves. It's just gonna be at my moms. And as far as us hanging out, we just can't hang out yet"
"Why not?"
"You really wanna know?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm beyond over us. You aren't, Makes things wierd plus it wouldn't be fair for someone.."
"Who's the someone?"
"It's not important"
"So you're seeing someone else"
"Maybe"
"Great, good to know I meant that little to you"
"I'm just trying to let you know why we can't hang. that's all"
"Wow, 1.5 years means that little to you"
"Whatever"
"I wasn't gonna tellyou but you asked. I don't want you to say shit and quit fucking juding"
"Whatever, I didn't say or do anything wrong so a big fuck you to you too"

Yeah............ :(

So tonight we're all going to be ringing in the new year of 2009...and to be honest, I'm not excited at all...everything is going wrong!!

Andrew and I aren't together and we probably won't be...I'm more than likely not going to get the job as manager at Tully's which means I'm getting a new job....shitty....I'm having to live at home :( which is nice because I'm close to everyone but it's taking a HUGE step backwards!!! I just don't like the place I'm at in my life...I'm almost 20 and I wanted so much more for myself than this...

I thought I was finally on track when Andrew and I hit our year...I thought that this was IT...that I had a good job that would lead to a better position, that I had the person I was going to spend the rest of my life together...that everything was going to be great...now it's all been ripped away from me...

Ummmmm....I just read all of my posts....WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I'm in love with Dillon bla bla bla, oh no he fucked with me AGAIN! bla bla bla, we got back together bla bla bla maybe this time it'll be different! DER!!!!

OMG!!!! lol, it makes me so angry!!! I don't know why I fawned all over Dillon, the GINORMOUS ASS!!! Honestly, what kind of person stays with a person who treats them like dirt THEN CHEATS ON THEM!!! Oy......And of course that makes me miss Andrew more because he was the total opposite :(

OMG! I haven't been on here in 74 weeks!!!! Guess I really haven't thought I needed to...but I guess it probably would have been helpful....oy....

So! Since mostly everyone here is updated on my current situation I won't bother rehashing it...

So I'm watching WWE wresting right now....and I'm CRYING!!! Yes I realize that it's what Andrew used to make me watch and that's probably why I'm crying...but I never thought I could cry listening to "I'm a sexy boy!!!"....And when I think of that it makes me cry MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I honestly don't know if Andrew and I will ever be together again...I mean, I had held hope for the last two weeks that he would realize that he was a dumbass and decide that he wanted to be with me....but it seems slimmer and slimmer that it's going to happen...

I can't stop thinking of all of the amazing times we had together and how much I love him and how much I wish that were enough!

On the bright side, all of my icons on here still fit :(

So..yeah....lately my life has been crap right? well...Dillon and Heather broke up and so then I thought maybe things would get better with him and me...this week was fun...I hung out with him a couple times and I've been glowing...I've been actually positive....

Then last night he was talking about how there's three girls that love him and he has a list...well I thought that meant that he wanted to be with one of them and I know I was on the list...so was 'her' and so was Heather...well he told me that Heather was on the bottom and then I got a little cheerier ....I thought I had a chance...I really really did....I mean, yeah he liked Jesika a lot, but I've been there for him for 3 years and through all the shit she put him through....I THOUGHT I HAD A CHANCE!

This is my life...

It's gonna be a long depressed night


So...yeah...it's 12:48 and I have to wake up at 7...I can't sleep...I fell again...I tripped and fell....just when I thought I'd gotten my balance back....

It's so hard because I expected this...it's been almost 6 months...if he doesn't want to be with me now...he's not going to want to be...but like my quote says

It's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

and it's true...he makes me happy...he's the one person who is constantly on my mind, the person who can bring a smile to my face even when my grandpa's dying, He is the person I talk to about everything and anything...the first person I turn to when I'm hurting...

Why? Why am I not worthy? Yeah, I want to spend the rest of my life with him...yeah I love him unconditionally...but are those bad things? I watched him go through depression when he broke up with ANOTHER girl...I watched him get hurt and I was there for him...I was there for him through everything he needed me for...does that only get me the friendship level? I mean don't get me wrong...I love him and he's my best friend...but I don't know why I'm not good enough to be WITH him...

I keep hoping that by waiting a little longer it'll change...he'll realize that he loves me and want to be with me and that I make him happy...but I don't know anymore...I don't think I make him happy...or not enough...I don't think I'm good enough...

He's the only one I want...and the feeling of wanting someone so much that you would risk EVERYTHING to be with them but then not having any of that returned is the worst pain you can imagine...I don't want to feel it anymore...I really don't...

This is bullshit...I guess I know where Aaron stands in my life...and that's pretty much nowhere but 'friend zone' after all, how you do anything is how you do everything and considering that he won't even come into work for 4 HOURS to help us out, well it makes me think that maybe I won't be able to rely on him if we were dating...that and he blew me off yesterday night and only came to see me to get free food...I'm not going to wait around for him, especially if that's how it's going to be...call me clingy, call me whatever, but if I'm going to date someone I want to know that they want to be with me...

I texted him TWO HOURS ago and NOTHING in response...it's bullshit...and you know what's the crappy part? I'M the one who gets hurt...because honestly, I really like him and I would really like to see what it's like to be in a relationship with him, but I can't keep being the only person trying...that's how it was with Dillon and I (which honestly, was kind of understandable) and I can't do that again....I really can't...I want to feel wanted, like someone will fight for me...I think I deserve at least that....

I'm so just...confused right now!!!

1. I got a speeding ticket last week and I still don't know what my punishment is

2. My mom's pissed at me because I'm still talking to Dillon...She says that I need to take a break from him because all of my life problems are because of him...ARGH!!! It's so not true, they are MY DECISIONS! As far as my friends go, that's my fault, Dillon told me to hang out with friends but I wanted to spend all of my time with him...that was MY CHOICE, I'm the only one responsible for that...And now she's telling me I can't talk to him this week and she wants me straight home or straight to work etc etc...I'm back to wanting out of this house so bad...but I don't have anyone to move in with...I just want to get the hell out of here because I'm so sick of my mom thinking she's so much better than me, it's my life, I want to make my own choices even if they are bad! It's MY FUCKING LIFE!! And it doesn't help when your mom tells you that you're not good enough for someone...

3. Dillon...I don't even know how to feel...I care about him and he's my best friend...but he's not over Jesika and I understand that because I know I rushed into 'dating' Aaron...I just don't know how to feel...I'm so confused! I really like Aaron and he makes me happy...but Dillon and I have such a bond and history and I care about him and always will...I don't know what to do...And I know why Dillon doesn't want to talk to me because it almost killed me when he was dating Jesika..but I don't want to lose him as a friend because he's really important to me...I mean, he was my best friend and the only person who knew exactly what I was thinking and how I was feeling the past two years...I don't know.......I just want to curl up in a corner and not deal with any of this...I never thought this would happen to me and I never wanted it to....

So...although some things have been a bit complicated...as many of you have noticed, I haven't updated my livejournal since the really long entry...so any of the entries posted afterwards, weren't me...just an FYI...

Why do I have to try so hard? I mean, I finally started to get my life into perspective and things were going pretty damn good...even for not being together with anyone...I was starting to value my life and thinking that I had the potential to be happy perminently....But I don't know what I did to piss everyone off so much...I mean, my parents seem to hate my because of my past choices and the ones I'm making now...it's my life! Why can't I just live it and not have to worry about what everyone else thinks? But I'm not 18 yet and I can't just leave and not come back (without ramifications)...I mean, even though my mom says she's proud of me and all of that shit, the very way she acts around me seeps disappointment....My dad...god, he probably wishes I wasn't his daughter, I mean, I guess I don't blame him sometimes...I'm not what he wanted me to be, he wanted a genius, a lawyer, a friggin model citizen and look what he got, me...

I feel like such a failure...I mean, no one seems to want to be around me...is it me? Am I just that horrible of a person? I mean, I thought that maybe I was finally getting to know myself and what I wanted in life...I was accepting reality even through all of this bullshit...but I guess that doesn't matter because I'm going to end up alone and without anyone who cares enough about me to want to be around me...

I mean, I was pissed about what happened with Dillon when we broke up but I put that aside because I love him as a person and my life felt so much easier with him in it...I mean, he's a great person, he just doesn't know it...And all of this bullshit he has to deal with right now makes him doubt it even more which makes me so mad because I saw him really straightening out his life and I was so proud of him...I thought that we could be friends because right now, that's all we can be....if we're meant to be more than that it'll happen, but I'm really seriously content with just having him in my life...which is why I don't understand any of this...

I'm such a disappointment to everyone and I'm really sorry for that...I wasn't there for my friends during the past year or so and I swore I would never do that...And now, I don't even think I can fix that because it's been so long and we only have a few months before we graduate and might possibly never see each other again....I have been a truly crappy friend and I feel horrid for it...

Well...what else can I say? Except that I'm sorry...I'm sorry that this is how I turned out because it's obviously not what anyone wants...